[D.C. Untied 12] Philadelphia Union vs D.C. United, May 20, 2016

You may as well take it in the guts – it can’t get worse

Take it in the guts – it can’t get worse that this

You’ll soon be old enough to leave them

And without a notion of a care

You’ll lift two fingers in the air to linger there...

Belle & Sebastian, “Lord Anthony”

[D.C. Untied 11] D.C. United vs New York Red Bulls, May 13, 2016

Is there a sweeter victory for a D.C. United fan than a victory over the New York Red Bulls? No, there is not. Friday night was no exception. D.C. United scored two brilliant goals in the first half, flatfooting the Red Bull defense and making goalkeeper Luis Robles look like a fool. After a couple of legendary saves from United goalie Travis Worra, the Red Bulls collapsed in on themselves, finishing the game with a whimper. 2-0. In the stands we were still chanting: “D.C. United!”; “Travis Worra!”; and the chant we've been singing so long it's part of our repertoire even when we aren't playing them, “Fuck the Red Bulls!”

[D.C. Untied 10] D.C. United vs New York City FC, May 8, 2016

Deep into the second half D.C. United is 2 goals down to NYCFC and look like they’ve forgotten everything they’ve ever learned about how to put a ball inside a net. Across the pitch I can see people drifting towards the exits. From in the District Ultras section Srdan waves his arms to get our attention. We’re switching chants. He starts singing:

Oh United

Even when the times are bad

They can try but they won’t stop us.

We’re always black and red.

The banner in front of our section tonight read “District Customers,” a nod to the word that had allegedly been thrown around the meeting Ultras leadership had with the D.C. United front office. We weren’t supporters or fans, we were merely customers. Why did we have to be so troublesome?

[D.C. Untied 9] Chicago Fire vs D.C. United, April 30, 2016

“Your Fire guide is there wearing a Cubs hat and glasses,” came the cryptic message on Twitter. I looked up at the sea of bros surrounding me in the sports bar. Backwards Chicago Fire hat, glasses. Nope. Cubs hat, no glasses. A table of EPL fans. Glasses and beard, glasses and beard, just beard. There! A couple wearing Chicago Fire gear sitting in the corner, the male half of which has glasses and a hat featuring an adorable logo that could be… was that a bear cub? I walked over.

“Is that a Cubs hat?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he replied.

“Are you in a supporter group?” I dug further.

“Just the Banter Buddies.” He paused, realization dawning. “You’re the DC fan.”

“That’s me!” I beamed. Mission accomplished.

“I wasn’t sure so I didn’t say anything. It’s so embarrassing when you’re wrong.”

Memories of my aborted attempt to locate a twitter penpal at All Tomorrow’s Parties last year flashed through my head. It really, really is embarrassing. Luckily I don’t mind being embarrassed in service of a good story. (I'll tell that one later if you ask.)